Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
I Got Nothing Left, Just an Empty Heart by AshWolf-Forever I Got Nothing Left, Just an Empty Heart by AshWolf-Forever
Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I got nothing left - just an empty heart
~ "Sound the Bugle", Bryan Adams

I woke up with this image in my head, and used my tablet to create it as best I could. I am not sure I can even explain. LoneStar's death has hit harder than it ever should. I am nothing but pain and anger. It never snows in Crepundium, expect on Christmas, so where the hell I am I do not know. Are the shadows the losses of the past? My "imaginary friends"? I don't know that either, it just felt right. There might be more from this type of scene coming. 

I know, logically, LoneStar was only a cat. His loss doesn't compare with the others in my life. With my father at age 15, my mother at 27, or my grandparents at 29. Every last one of them didn't make my birthdays those years, so I was those ages. Loney was not even 5 years old, he was born in April or May. I no longer remember because he had younger siblings born almost a year later and I cannot remember which litter was which.

LoneStar is gone. His mother, Lei-Lei, is gone. Of the four cats I kept my mother loved so much, only her personal two are left. And it hurts more than it should. It feels so wrong I cannot stand it. LoneStar isn't supposed to be dead. He's supposed to be here on my lap, he was supposed to go with me when I finally do book signings and things. There was supposed to be a future when it was him and me, and he could finally have all my attention.

My chest actually hurts. My throat's tight. I cannot understand. This should not hurt this much. Then I think of all the loss... what the Hell did I do? Is this payback for surviving? I was a premature baby. I wasn't expected to live. I beat those odds, thus far I've beat most of my family history of panic/anxiety/depression. But how much more can life throw at me before I am destroyed completely?

I know, logically, I am not alone. I have family that still cares. I have friends that have listened to be rant and cry and just... They're there for me. But sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like everything is gonna be ripped away from me. In the end, it will all be gone. There will be nothing left but me. And I won't survive that. If/when that happens, I know I cannot do that.

Then the voice that says, "Your parents didn't raise a quiter. They wouldn't want you to give up. You can't give up, you'll disappoint them." pops up. And I want to scream. Because what does it matter anymore? They left me. They left me here without them, and while I'm "freer" now, I still hate the removal of the "chains". I am so mixed up in my head right now.

If anyone... if I blast anyone over the next few days, I'm sorry. In advance I am sorry. Because I am in too much turmoil to see straight almost. You don't have to avoid me, but just accept I am in a lot of pain and might lash out.

I might put the background up for use in my commissions. I don't know yet.

Art © Me
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcougarhearted:
CougarHearted Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017
It's completely understandable and alright that you mourn the loss of your animals the way you would a human, Ash. Lonestar was part of your everyday life, so it's normal for you to be upset about him being gone. And don't ever think you are at fault for the deaths of your loved ones. Sometimes things happen that are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY beyond your control, and I'm certain that your family wouldn't want you to think like that either. Just keep hanging on, Ash! :hug: 
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
Thanks Cougar. I'm trying, my cousin came over today too. :hug:
Reply
:iconcougarhearted:
CougarHearted Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017
You're welcome. Good to know you had company! 
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
My "Little Cousin" is 1 foot taller and 7 years younger. She's great. :)
Reply
:iconhectorny:
HectorNY Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Hobbyist
I know the feeling when I have had three cats that have lived their life span with me.
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
It hurts, sorry for your losses. :hug:
Reply
:iconhectorny:
HectorNY Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Hobbyist
It's all right. I still miss my girls.
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
My limited exp. that never fully goes away. 
Reply
:icondragoncodi:
dragoncodi Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017
It doesnt matter if your loss was a human, or cat, dog, lizard whatever.The fact is you can build a bond with them & it hurts to have them leave you.Its better to vent & grieve since it helps.Just try not to dwell on it too much.
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
Thank you. I'm trying. 
Reply
:iconjessirenee:
JessiRenee Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Student General Artist
I'm so sorry.  I wish I had more than words to offer you.  :huggle:  But if you ever need to talk, I'm always around to listen.
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Right now, I'm just do what art I can and waiting for the spot where the pain goes under.
Reply
:iconnovrith:
Novrith Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so very sorry for your loss. :( My heart goes out to you... sending much strength! :hug:
Reply
:iconashwolf-forever:
AshWolf-Forever Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Professional General Artist
Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. Hope all's going well with you. :hug:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconashwolf-forever: More from AshWolf-Forever




Details

Submitted on
March 3
Image Size
1.3 MB
Resolution
1600×1200
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb
Embed

Stats

Views
74
Favourites
2 (who?)
Comments
14
Downloads
0
×